I wasn't sure where I could rant about this. For your annoyance DeviantArt was the one. (I might delete this later thou.)
Warning labels : Will include complaining, personal and pointless rant, loads of self doubt, lots of grammar mistakes and has been written middle in the night.
You have been warned
Not so sure where I should even start... Maybe telling little bit how I started drawing?
I am not one of those talented people who started to draw before they could walk. Surely I liked to doodle some pointless crap and paint was my most used program on computer. But I think it was like that for us all when we were little. Heck... I never even thought for second that I wanted to be artist or have anything to do with drawing. I wanted to be a vet (or someone who trained hunting hawks). Crafts were more my thing than art classes...
It took me long as to summer of 2005 to found happiness in creating with a pen. In a week I would make even four finished works. It was fun and drawing was good way to spend time wherever you were. I felt so much pride for every doodle on my bad quality notebook. Biggest plus was that you didn't need others for it. Only paper, pen and maybe some music. I showed every piece that I made to my mom, no matter how gory they were. But now that I think of it, maybe most of my happiness came from praises? Not from creating?
I can admit I have always liked attention. Every time someone would praise me (especially my parents) I would get so happy and proud. Thus driving me doing better and better. I have always been achiever. Nothing was ever enough. I wanted better grades, be more helpful, being better person... I don't know why. Maybe that's just who I am? My mom was proud (and still is) for everything I did. Best example is that when I was 9 or 10 years old I wanted to runaway from home because I got 7+ from math test. Reason? Didn't want to disappoint my mom.
Ups.. I guess I got little sidetracked... Sorry. Carrying on!
But yeah, now that I am older, drawing doesn't bring me only joy. Sure I still get happy when someone praises me or thank me for gift that I drew. I even get occasional "Oh wow! I didn't know I could draw that!"-moments, but mostly my achiever side is not so pleased. (I want to mention now that I always asked honest critique for my works and didn't get all pissypants if someone had something bad to say about it.) I don't feel like I never make a work with my full potential even thou I know I have given it 110% of myself and even more by trying to learn how to have desirable effect. And now my insecurities grab a hold of me...
"What if I'm not enough creative?"
"Maybe I am not meant for creating?"
"Was I ever really original? Maybe all my works were subconsciously replicas of other peoples drawings..."
"I can never be as good as [insert some awesome artist]."
"I don't think I am can never make living out of this. Maybe I am really meant for average life? Never excellent in anything just... average?"
The list goes on and on and on... But sadly no one can answer these questions but me and maybe time too... And if I try to comfort myself saying: art's not a contest, everybody has their own style, I just need to work more, I can't get better if I only complain... I feel like I am deceiving myself and just prolong my own suffering.
Maybe there will come day when I give up on drawing, cosplaying and everything all together. Start looking for a life companion, get a steady job as a practical nurse, buy a house, a dog and travel abroad once a year. Just being average and happy.
But maybe... Just maybe I break out from my self doubt and even find work from this field. Would it be graphic designer in some company, illustrator or even my secret dream being travelling tattoo artist? I wish I could tell. Then I could focus to that field and exceed at least in one thing than being half-ass or plain old bad in everything.