"Quitting is fundamentally different from stopping. The latter happens all the time. Quitting only happens once. Quitting means not starting again - and art is all about starting again."
Art & Fear: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking
By; David Bayles
I'm an amateur artist. Even with adding the 'amateur' in front makes me uncomfortable. Don't really feel like I am big enough caliber to call myself an artist. But still many people call that as my occupation. If you would ask my mom what my profession is, she would undoubtedly say; "My child is an artist."
So why is it so hard to me?
Going to tell all you readers a little secret. My biggest and most serious dream/goal is to become professional tattoo artist. Again, the addition of "artist" doesn't sit well with me. Of course I could just say "tattooer". But, would I ever get tattoo from person who (wasn't my close friend&amazingly talented) wouldn't express confidence in their work? No.
Little back story from little over month ago: I lost two grandmas in under two weeks. Both came as total surprise, but I had extremely close bond with my mother's mother. My grieving process took two weeks of total apathy. Didn't care for anything or anyone. Only wish was not to exist. In under week, my weight had dropped 6kg.
It took quite a while to get back to my normal life. To start drawing every day again. Sketching wasn't exceedingly a hard fence to climb. But going to, for example, in library or coffee shop with friend (or alone) to draw, took time. And the fact that I hadn't done anything you could call "finished piece" much less an material for my portfolio in long,long time, crept up... If I only knew what trouble was on ahead...Backstory time!
My "artist confidence" has never been high. Maybe when starting, it was because all I needed was my mom's praises. When the internet became bigger part in my life, the deep plunge in art aspect? My self-esteem got even more crushed. Art was only thing that I had held even shred of pride. Being bullied as long as I could remember, never having any great grades and under mediocre in sports had already done the damage. Then the realization that really wasn't good even in art? Shit.
But after throwing tantrum (give me a break, I was only around 14), destroying every piece that I could get my hands on and moping in bed for two days. Slowly I got back to drawing.
Then at age 16 to 18 spent studying to become practical nurse and drawing was only my hobby. Year 2011 I graduated and got accepted in Graphic Design school. Looking at all things that my classmates created just got me wondering "How the hell did I get in here??" Even now, after graduation on 2013, I wonder the same. (Really getting side-tracked here ain't I?)
Really learned a lot on that school, but never ever was anything mentioned about the huge amount of confidence that you will need. And that's a thing I just recently find myself lagging a huge amount. As previously I mentioned about quite recent happenings in my life. When I picked up my liner and ink again...Welcome to continue with the point!
... it was horrible. My anxiety levels were so high that my hands were shaking. I could feel all my upper body just shaking, because being so nervous. The culprit hid himself well. Only after doing a mental check that I had slept, eaten, drank enough water and everything else that could cause my shakiness. While thinking all that, suddenly noticed that tremble was gone. So, I tried to get back to work and then it started again.
Headline of this journal has been in my thought since that incident. Didn't continue drawing that night. Now, after a week I'm continuing that work. Still slight tremble in my grip, but what has changed in only around seven days?
I did little things. Published some of my old works that have been collecting mold on computer, watched some youtube videos about the topic and meditated. I did my type of meditation. Not trying to really clear my mind or anything spiritual like that. Just started to think what was the root that made me so anxious. And if my negative thoughts would be realistic then what could happen? How I would deal with the aftermath?
This is just the final production of all that exploration;I'm not a gifted person. Nor am I talented. Drawing isn't my pride, it isn't my most loved one. But it's the thing I'm most passionate about. It's first thing in my life that I have accepted the defeat for many years, but I still keep going. Getting better as an artist is what drives me forward in this reality.
If there is some goal in my life. It's to show middle finger to my mediocre-self and prove that you don't need to be born with paintbrush in your mouth to become awesome Artist. That the most needed quality is to be super headstrong. And that's the only thing that I'm packed with.