It's time for Alex ramble! Grab your seats and relax.
Today I felt like ranting about my feels of selling yourself as an artist.
For long I didn't mind that I had only few followers. I drew for myself and never really gave any thoughts that I could gain something from it. It was just something I really enjoyed doing.
Then everything changed when I graduated. Most of my friends got at least some kind of freelance works, tattooing or just something that had something to do with graphic design. Me? Stuck on practical nurse job that I hate.
started to matter. Why I only have this and this many followers? Why I don't get more comments/favorites/views? Isn't my best enough?
And in time I found myself with question of; How
How could I
make a change?
Of course I always strive for my best and I try to learn new things on daily bases. I draw everyday, keep my comic blog alive etc... But still not enough. Then I came with idea to expand my internet territory to Tumblr. I gained few followers and new comic blog readers. But still on minimum scale...
Self loathing came back to me hard. Thoughts plaguing my mind like; I'm a shitty drawer/designer. Everyone of my friends just compliment me on pity. I have no future as a artist much less a tattoo artist... Maybe I am doomed to work as a practical nurse until I kill myself.
I started to feel that I'm not allowed to have these thoughts. They are too selfish.
And selfish is a bad thing right? Cornerstone of my upbringing was that I am not allowed to be selfish. Don't ask for anything or you will loose everything, cry for attention and you will get beaten, children should be seen, but not heard...
But I sucked it up again and decided to do some research. I started from the artists/friends that I know are more known that me. How and why are they so popular? Of course there was the obvious thing that they are so damn good but I noticed that most of them drew fan art. That could not be the only reason (thou good idea) so it was time for googling. And the answer was like a slap to my face."Every artist HAS to advertise themselves shamelessly!"
For a person who likes cosplay I REALLY hate the attention I get from it. Well not exactly hate, but I get embarrassed so easily. Every time someone random comes to ask for picture (or worst of all gives compliments)
I would give everything for the ability of vanishing from the spot. And when some random person started commenting my comic blog? I was blown away that someone that I don't know reads my comic blog!?
So the thought that I should start pushing myself to others? How about
I kind of dismissed that thought all together. I just started to draw more fan art and publishing more often. Just hoping that would be enough and lady luck would help me.
[insert signboard that reads "few months later"]
Apparently all of my luck is centralized only on staying alive 'cos no changes. And my patience is running low. Working at my workplace has damaged my mental health so badly that I have lost few close friends because of it. So I decided that I will do ANYTHING
to get to where I want. It will take time, but at the meantime I will do my best!
start drawing more
get those tattoo machines as soon as possible
start looking for graphic design jobs even if it means that I have to move
start advertising myself even if it means getting panic attacks
All of this even if I get the reputation of being selfish, pushy, annoying or horrible person!!IT'S ON!